Thursday, September 10, 2015

Top 5 Ways to Identify a Vampire and How to Slay Them A Guest Post by Arwen Chandler

For more info click the image.

As an introduction to her writing, Arwen Chandler has written a short guide to Vampire Hunting. I hope you enjoy!

Look for more from Arwen on Amazon. She is currently working on a full-length fantasy novel called Collision of Fire and Ice.


Top 5 Ways to Identify a Vampire and How to Slay Them
Arwen Chandler

If you find yourself restless in the wee hours of the night, or flooded with thoughts of things that creep in the darkness. You can relieve your restlessness and fear by taking matters into your own hands. You can become a vampire hunter.

It is a well-known fact that vampire hunting is a time proven way to ease yourself into a restful night of sleep. After several hours of hunting, your body will find it easy to fall into a deep slumber, and once your vampire enemy has been vanquished you need no longer fear what may crawl into your room at night.

Identifying Your Vampire:

1. He makes you feel special.  Not your normal "he brought me flowers kind of special," but more of an overwhelming urge to obey his every command kind of special. Remember a true vampire has an uncanny and extraordinary ability to control you. Beware, vampires can affect your ego in such a way that you may find yourself longing after their forbidden fruit. (We have all read careful!)

2. He has no reflection. Vampires can absolutely not be seen in a mirror. When you're around a vampire suspect offer any excuse you can to use your compact mirror. Carefully position the mirror over your shoulder and steal a quick glance in his direction. If he's not there, leave immediately. It is not safe.

3. He hates garlic. If your out with your vampire suspect, suggest a pizza loaded with extra garlic, garlic hot wings, or garlic bread. If your date cringes, chances are he is a vampire. Remember there is only a slim chance your companion is worried about bad breath or doesn't like garlic. Don't wait for the check. Get out of there -- he's paying anyway.

Tip: Always make sure to wear a scarf on a first date. This will keep from enticing the possible vampire.

4. He will never go out during the day.  Casually ask your vampire suspect to a lunch date or an afternoon walk in the park. If  he declines and suggests to make it a dinner date or an evening stroll under the stars. Do not go. He is not romantic or working a day shift. He is sleeping in his coffin in some dark basement. Run the other direction!

5. He refuses to use modern technology. Vampires are old creatures and are stubborn about new technology. If your vampire suspect does not communicate by email, Facebook, Twitter or any other online platform, he is most definitely a vampire. Look for his letter in the post -- on the bright side, he will have fantastic handwriting.

You've identified your vampire, now what? Tips to Vanquish your Vampire

1. Use garlic water.  Garlic water is actually what the mythical holy water is made from.

Garlic Water Recipe
2 capsules garlic oil
1 cup water

Cook the mixture on the stove until boiling, and then carefully fill a small vile. Make sure the water is cool before use.

To use, simply unplug the vial and sling it at your vampire, or disguise the garlic water in an old perfume spritzer and casually spritz the vampire with a large dose.

If you want to get up close and personal you can spit the garlic water into the vampire's face when he goes in for his good night kiss. (You might want to practice this method of delivery before trying it in a real setting.)

2. Exposure to light. This is a natural method for destroying a vampire, but getting your vampire into the sunlight may prove to be difficult. In fact, you may have to bring the light to your vampire. Don't worry, a good halogen bulb will do the trick. Halogen flashlights and lanterns are readily available at your nearest retailer and even online. Make sure you purchase the highest watt bulbs available.

3. Set his world on fire. This is one of the easiest ways to slay a vampire. Locate your vampire's nest and visit it during the day while he is sleeping. Use gasoline to encourage the fire, strike a match then watch it burn.

4. A stake to the heart. Unfortunately, this method requires an up close encounter with a vampire, and many of us are not up to that challenge. While this method seems gruesome, it is important to remember that vampires have no blood -- they are the undead, so they don't bleed when disposed of in this fashion. If you are capable of using this method it can be quite rewarding.

5. Decapitation. This method of vampire slaying is only recommended for the accomplished swordsmen and the extremely athletic.  As a precaution always use a sword with a Jerusalem steel blade that has been dipped in garlic water.

Remember whatever your method of identification and disposal, once your vampire has been slain you will have a goodnight's sleep. This exercise has helped many restless insomniacs through-out the years, and hopefully it will help you.

Happy vampire hunting!


*This is a work of fiction. Do not try at home.

What are your methods of getting a good night sleep?

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